To Know Her

This painting is currently in the Legendary - An Exhibition of Women Artists curated by Debra Wright, on view through August 2025. Sharing my post on Substack from February 2024.

February 2024

I have been working on this painting since June 2023. The part that took the longest was the background. I spent more time staring at the painting and planning on how to portray the significant events of the subject’s life than the painting part itself. Here’s a couple reflections while working on this piece.

Wednesday 08/16/23 6:45AM

I decided to get another hour of sleep after painting late last night. I feel good making progress on the painting of Ba Noi, my paternal grandmother. It’s coming together, but more importantly I am building a special bond with it. All my memories of her have started to come back. All the things we did together in our little house in Saigon began surrounding me and I wanted to touch each one. So many, so long ago but so close. I started having conversations with Ba Noi 30 minutes into painting her. I told her how I love and appreciate her even now that she’s gone.

“How could you be so kind and so peaceful?”  I asked. “How did you find the strength to go through so many painful struggles?  I never saw you getting upset or sad.”

So gentle and loving to know any other way of being, Ba Noi did not respond. Only her kind eyes looked back at me from the canvas. Though unfinished, Ba Noi’s portrait is alive with her spirit.

Ba Noi didn’t need to reply to my question. I embodied the answers the moment I became aware of her in my life. By her way of living, Ba Noi answered everything. No explanation was needed. No explanation would suffice.

Looking at a simple black and white photograph of my grandmother, and with her soul filling my studio, I kept painting. On Ba Noi’s simple white shirt, I painted the cross, and next to that a pendant with the image of Mary on it. She never took off either of these pieces of jewelry, and I feel honored to paint them in your memory.

Thank you for the opportunity to get to know you for the first time last night, Ba Noi. A world apart but I still feel your love and presence. I’m honored to have known you in this lifetime, even when I was young and not aware of how important you were and still are to me. I promise to bring you to life in this painting. As Michelangelo reflected: “Every block of stone has a statue inside it, and It is the task of the sculptor to discover it.

Thursday 08/17/23, 6:45AM

I had another late night with the painting of Ba Noi. I didn’t work on the painting much. I just allowed myself to sit with my grandmother and her story. Soon after, I found myself sitting with the rest of my family, my parents, my maternal grandparents, my nephews and the four generations of people. They all led me to where I am today by the way they led their lives through wars that shaped them and ultimately me.

Then I was in company of Vietnam and the Vietnam veterans. Each one of them slowly surrounded me in my studio, so I set my brushes aside and started to listen to them.

Art is powerful. It’s not just a painting or an image. It’s not just creating shapes and putting colors on a canvas. It’s not just a representation of someone, something, or some event. It holds so much more and with love and time it will come alive and become what it needs to be. I must be diligent and take good care of how my grandmother’s painting will emerge. More than ever, I need to slow down and listen to Ba Noi’s guidance. I am a messenger and the emissary for all. And when others come into my studio, that is a sacred gathering I need to tend to. They all came to give me feedback, to help me with my struggle to capture Ba Noi and implement the map of 1954 Vietnam onto her painting, after days thinking about it. She guided me along with other ancestors, and finally I am pleased with the painting now. True, it’s different than my initial sketch a couple of months ago, but I’m grateful for the time I spent with everyone in my studio. I am thankful to connect with Ba Noi and it felt like I was getting to know her for the first time.

Learning to listen to someone through a painting is completely new to me.  I never realized my paintings have been giving me feedback the entire time.  I feel them. I give them space. I walk away when necessary and come back when the time is right.

But last night was different. I purposefully sat in stillness and acknowledged everyone and everything around me. I made my favorite drink, matcha latte, to enjoy the company while I sat and listened. I let go of my habitual thinking about getting to bed at a certain time. In fact, I was in my studio from 8:30 PM to 12:30 AM, and I got up at 6:30 this morning. The gathering fed my soul and enriched my life.

I’m appreciative of my ancestorial visit. They taught me to let go of my deadlines. My paintings will be beautiful and meaningful, and they deserve time to flourish, to come to life. I just need to keep showing up and listening to those who visit me in my studio, and learn to slow down and be present, In this quiet space.